Not parent poster, but in my apparently-similar experience, it’s just that not saying no will inevitably result in halfhearted effort down the line, which means the results will underwhelm and hence generate more issues.
Hah, I think I may be the exact opposite. It triggers anxiety within me, which then triggers perfectionism, which then triggers all kinds of unhealthy other compulsions. I really do try to tackle everything, and exceed expectations, at a personal cost (e.g., burnout). One time I lost 25 pounds due to stress, which ended up being a positive as I have kept it off, but was miserable at the time.
I definitely leaned on the perfectionist side. Some of this is messy and difficult to pull apart because although I brought this problem into the marriage my ex is not blameless either. One thing I know is a direct consequence of never saying no is a lack of respect and a lack of attraction. Regardless of why a person never says no they are seen as a doormat, which is unattractive in both men and women.
On the messier side, a few years after our divorce she ended up suing me to adjust our divorce settlement and as part of that process gave a deposition in which she gave no legally relevant details but instead offered a diatribe on what she considered my failures in our marriage. (This did not impress the judge.) It was surprising to me for a few reasons. First, our divorce had been amicable. Second, she had raised none of these issues while we were married so we could have talked about it and/or fixed the issues. Third, it showed that she not only didn’t appreciate the tremendous effort I put into the marriage and her and our family, she wasn’t even aware of it.
Some portion of that is on her, but by never saying no I definitely helped to normalize a very high expectation as “bare minimum” or “no big deal”. I definitely felt unappreciated during the marriage but I just kept trying to do more. And if I don’t appreciate the work I do... why would anyone else?
Thank you for sharing! Your experience definitely resonates with me and I am similarly divorced. I especially relate to your comment about setting the bar high and it becoming expected instead of being appreciated that you’re going above and beyond. I have struggled with that at interpersonal and work relationships especially. Thanks again!
