When we became parents my wife and I agreed that we wanted to let our kids explore the world with a similar level of freedom we had as a kids.
When my 3yo was about 2, he pushed through a defective locked gate and fell down a flight of stairs, losing a tooth. Then about three weeks ago he got distracted in the bathroom and fell off a stool with a toothbrush in his mouth. I'll spare you the details.
These accidents weren't directly caused by our goal of giving our kids more independence, but they had the effect of making that goal all but impossible, at least for now. I catch myself telling him he can't do things he could before, or saying "<childname> slow down!" about 100 times per day. Seeing him on a playground gives me terrible anxiety.
He's fine. He's not afraid of anything. He's so bloody resilient despite all his trauma. But I'm failing him because the risks feel so real and paralyzing. To love what death can touch...
One difference, I think, is that I am lucky enough to not be affected by the historical taboo of mental health. I'm seeking therapy for this, which I'm also not afraid to admit out loud. And I'm hopeful that it will help me face this.
> Then about three weeks ago he got distracted in the bathroom and fell off a stool with a toothbrush in his mouth. I'll spare you the details. These accidents weren't directly caused by our goal of giving our kids more independence, but they had the effect of making that goal all but impossible, at least for now.
Earlier this summer we had our family holiday in Italy. In week one I had a bike accident which necessitated a visit to the local emergency room and I was wearing a dressing on my arm for the entire holiday. In week two my daughter had an unlucky fall and cut her forehead which necessitated a(nother) visit to the local emergency room, she needed stitches. In week three our eldest was stung by a jellyfish while swimming in the sea. Huge weals all down his body but (fortunately) no trip to ... the emergency room.
We have three kids and you would not believe the number of times I've had to drop everything to take one or other of them to the doctor and/or the hospital.
> the risks feel so real and paralyzing
Seriously: please don't give up on your wish to let your kids explore the world!
> We have three kids and you would not believe the number of times I've had to drop everything to take one or other of them to the doctor and/or the hospital.
This would cost most families (without gold plated healthcare subsidies from being a government employee or other generous employer in the US) $10k to ~$17.5k per year, and those ranges go up every year.
A single doctor visit is usually $200 to $300, and emergency room visit might as well be your annual out of pocket maximum ($10k to $17k).
I grew up before out of pocket maximums were a thing, and I remember my dad distinctly telling me to be careful not to injure myself because it could derail the whole family’s future. This was because my parents were immigrants who were building a small business, so they had equity to lose, but not enough cash flow to purchase healthcare. I also thought about impacts to my sister’s future, who is 6 years younger.
I never did participate in sports and never needed to go to the doctor or dentist.
Today, I earn enough to not have to worry about healthcare expenses, but I would not have had kids if I did not have the ability to pay for two calendar years’ worth of out of pocket expenses (~$34k, in case injury occurs on Dec 31).
> A single doctor visit is usually $200 to $300, and emergency room visit might as well be your annual out of pocket maximum ($10k to $17k).
In the spirit of sharing data from a very different system:
Emergency room visit was €40 for me (checkup/cleaning/dressing), €55 for my daughter (stitches apparently cost extra).
A simple follow-up doctor/clinic visit in Italy was €15 (first time) / €10 (repeat), I paid this a few times each time I had my wounds cleaned and dressed, and again for my daughter when she had her stitches taken out and a check-up a few days later.
> This would cost most families (without gold plated healthcare subsidies from being a government employee or other generous employer in the US) $10k to ~$17.5k per year, and those ranges go up every year.
Maybe the parent poster does not live in the US ;-)
I had similar level of accident prone-ness as a kid and still a lot of freedom,
sped down a giant incline right into a wall of concrete+rebar and had neighborhood kids literally carry me back home, stapled myself burnt myself on soldering irons cuts bruises so on... that kind of stuff I dont think even affects me physically, what sticks with me was the freedom to experiment with anything (I was also a bit of a rule breaker, breaking into unoccupied apartments in our building as a kid)
Sounds like you are self aware and can realize when you might be going overboard. Just sent my son to college. I made tons of mistakes. He overcame them. People are resilient - so is your child.
The thing is why are we more scared these days? Did our parents care less for our health and safety? Or, perhaps they were more ignorant of the world as a whole and blissfully raised a family? Cuts, bruises and maybe broken bones are part of growing up and learning.
These days "media", meaning news and social media, seem to act as more as an anxiety pipeline than an information service. I also feel it forms a violence feedback loop by fueling peoples fears until the mentally unstable among us feel so cornered they lash out violently like a trapped animal. Of course this is on purpose because information is boring and they needs advertising revenue. Anxiety makes more money. Seems coincidentally the perfect time to decriminalize weed.
I don't buy the media blame thing on its own. It feels like there should be epidemiological research into it. For example, how is this generation's coffee intake different to the last one? Use of psychotropic medications? Different air pollution, less lead?
I'm pretty certain you're correct. It seems to me that we won't get to the bottom of this until the study of intergenerational and cultural change becomes a much more established science. And for that to happen we need much more research into the matter. Moreover, the objectives of any such research should be clearly defined and then rigorously carried out.
This subject is a political football and the individual views and biases of researchers often taint the data. We won't make significant progress until we find ways of minimizing this problem.
In Japan there’s a tradition of having kids, at around 3 years old, go out by themselves to run errands. There’s a whole tv show about it.
If you are curious about other cultures as well, there’s a pretty good documentary on Apple tv about the first 5 years of life of kids from all around the world, including kids in rural areas, big cities and even small remote tribes.
Regarding the setting, there are some places (like some resorts or big estates), where young kids can be very safe and that allows them to be on their own a lot and build their independence.
The children on this TV show go along preplanned routes that are vetted by the show and are of course secretly supervised by the tv crews. 3 year olds are not routinely running errands in japan.
Young children do do things at a much younger age independently in japan than america, but it's not like the show.
edit: not to imply the show is fake or anything. It's just a special situation the show is filming.
As carefully supervised as those kids are, it has made me realize how much more capable children that age are than I gave them credit for. I'm still not sure I'd have done as well when I was that little. I was walking myself to/from primary school at least.
The key is finding things that they CAN do that you're pretty certain won't hurt them too much if they somehow fail.
Because otherwise they're going to silently sit and watch and wait, and then one night grab the car keys and put the car in neutral and roll down the driveway into the neighbor's yard.
Yes, that's the trick. And making sure those boundaries are enforced consistently (if mom says no ask dad, &c).
I certainly did my fair share of independent acting out in my teen years (the car example is right on the nose for me) but we've got a lot of groundwork to lay before we get to that point. As far as I can tell the next target is learning how to use a doorknob, which will bring its own set of challenges.
My <2 year old gets frustrated if we try to help too much brushing teeth or putting his pants on! He also hates it when you try and feed him, he'll fight it until you just set the spoon down and let him feed himself.
I've been learning to be okay with a bit more mess and a bit more time to get ready for things. I'm also learning guiding techniques like allowing my child to choose between two acceptable options. Win-win if it works: they get to feel like they're getting their way, and I'm getting mine.
Don't drag your kid into pit hole of your own mental issues. Does he have some permanent damage, or just few teeth that would anyway fell out and maybe some light scars? That's 0 price to pay to have true freedom at most important time of life.
Why do folks have so much issues with letting life just unravel, and desperately trying to control every aspect of it, yet consistently being reminded how they are failing? I don't have any mental issues so its very hard for me to imagine what it causes. What I describe is natural to me, and seems almost impossible to force upon yourself for you.
When we became parents my wife and I agreed that we wanted to let our kids explore the world with a similar level of freedom we had as a kids.
When my 3yo was about 2, he pushed through a defective locked gate and fell down a flight of stairs, losing a tooth. Then about three weeks ago he got distracted in the bathroom and fell off a stool with a toothbrush in his mouth. I'll spare you the details.
These accidents weren't directly caused by our goal of giving our kids more independence, but they had the effect of making that goal all but impossible, at least for now. I catch myself telling him he can't do things he could before, or saying "<childname> slow down!" about 100 times per day. Seeing him on a playground gives me terrible anxiety.
He's fine. He's not afraid of anything. He's so bloody resilient despite all his trauma. But I'm failing him because the risks feel so real and paralyzing. To love what death can touch...
One difference, I think, is that I am lucky enough to not be affected by the historical taboo of mental health. I'm seeking therapy for this, which I'm also not afraid to admit out loud. And I'm hopeful that it will help me face this.